45 days: Labels

What I haven’t shared with you is that I’m living apart from my fianc√©.

We were living together through June. Then our jobs separated us by time zones.

One of ten of my important labels is my job. What bothers me is that my job affects most of my life: where I live; if I have time to work out; who I live with; who I date; whether I have children and so on…

Why is this one label so strong, yet, I get very little meaning from my job?

Now I learned that an important conference will be Sunday through Thursday right before my winter wedding. This conference is on the other coast of the U.S.

I have told myself that I would not ask someone to move again for my current career. I even have scrapped to telework a third of the time, so I’ll be with my fianc√©. Yet, a life torn between places has its emptiness too…

47 days…

It’s a Monday. I just finished Day 1 of a meditation challenge. Today’s focus is My Beliefs Enhance My Life…

I’m off to walk my dog and drive to a local conference. The weekend still has my head spinning from driving 13 hours, helping my family move, eating junk food, and visiting family–it was a lot better than having my car broken into last week, a pot falling 5 feet on my head, and my rental car dying in the middle of road. So that means I believe today will be much better than last Monday ūüėÄ

Hopefully this evening I’ll make it to the gym after an eye appointment and walking my dog. I’m preparing to be out of the state for 2 months–I’ll actually be with my fianc√© for these last two months before the wedding.

So since August I have “preparing” to be a better wife/partner. I went for a makeup lesson for the day of the wedding–I have been practicing almost every day since. The lesson was free, but not the makeup–in general looking better and feeling more confident should be helpful in our new marriage–not to mention I won’t have to hire a makeup artist the day of the wedding.

I have been purging toxic relationships from ex-bosses/mentor/best friend to non-biological absent father “figures.” 

On the material side of thing, last week staying up late through the night, I went through my entire closet–based my experience, it’s ridiculous to fight with your partner about not having enough closet space over clothes that I don’t even wear.

Plus this week and next, I’ll be packing for a half marathon weekend, two months living out of state, wedding and Christmas in another state and our weeklong honeymoon–no,  I’m not known for being a light packer.

What is the cost of a wedding?

Is the cost of the wedding just the food, drink, venue, flowers, and tables??? What about all of the cost for each family member and friend to travel to your wedding?

Since we both are the-more-the-merrier type, we didn’t want to make the cuts. Weddings for my family are big family reunions.

For my fianc√©, it’s one of the few times in his life of constant moving–he’s in the military–where all the people he loves come¬†together.

So multiply a ginormous amount of guests by $300-500 each for airplane tickets AND who needs food and venue??? We just go to $100k just to get the people we love together?!?

That being said we decided to have our wedding close to his family and within driving distance of most of my family. Now we just need a venue to hold a ginormous amount of people in the winter…

Timing

It’s all about timing. That’s what people say, right?

We’ll I agree my fianc√© and I were at the right times in our lives for each other.

Also the moment we got engaged, his grandfather let us know that he was concerned about his timing. ¬†We promised to be married in front of him…. Let the planning being!

It’s funny how the planning, and the BEAST that this planning become, can cloud your original motivations. I am thankful today for remembering that one of the BIG reasons that we wanted to be married quickly was for his grandfather, my grandfather.

I was ready to jump immediately, even if our wedding in 5 months was too far away. Happily today we got the good news that we have all the time in the world. Maybe I needed this extra push to make my dreams come true ūüėČ

As you noticed..

I’ve been preoccupied. I made it 25 days meditating every day and then I let my days become chaotic and nonstop.

I’m still proud of 25 days. I started meditating again, I’m on day 10 again.

I thought I would share some of the reasons that I love meditation. 

1. When I’m meditating, I feel like all the loose ends/thoughts/memories in my mind are repairing themselves, little by little.

2. When my meditation are good (even a bad meditation is worthwhile–“Commit to sit” like the Buddhists), I feel safer than I could ever imagine, it’s the most wonderful feeling. Yes, it’s better than sex because it touches every part of my body and soul with the most perfect, reassuring, comforting, intimate touch.

3. I have more “aha moments” when I meditate. Things that I didn’t know where fundamentally bothering me surface with enlightenment, wisdom, and understanding.

For those that want to give it a try, sit-up comfortably and close your eyes. Focus on your breaths, in and out. I prefer a mantra. A universal mantra is “babanum kevalum,” which means “love is all there is.”….

Surprise skit

Remember how my fiancé wanted to reenact a Bruno Mars skit for our proposal?

You can see the video here:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYh9DCN8ads&app=desktop

So on our engagement party tour to visit friends and family that might not travel to our wedding, I decided to surprise him.

Our engagement happy hour was going to be at a local Irish pub. I contacted the manager and begged to have 4 minutes to do the skit. He said I had to show him exactly what I wanted to do the following weekend.

The countdown started! I had 14 days to pull off my first skit. I needed audiovisual help, actors, props, and time.

Luckily I found a bunch of friends that were willing to help.

The Saturday before the happy hour, six friends came to the pub to practice and help me win over the manager.  Everyone was so excited and immediately started making my vision better and more alive.

The manager recommended that we do the skit upstairs because there would be more space. One friend recommended that we use the long aisle behind the bar as the street for the performance.  We would have Matt sit at the end of aisle like the girl in the video. We practiced for about three hours. I was overwhelmed with their generosity.

I even hired a videographer to capture the fun!

Here’s how the skit went:

  • Betty pretended to¬†bang a pot with a wooden spoon walking down the aisle.
  • Sara and John¬†(Couple #1) ¬†walked towards Matt with arms locked. They spun with their foreheads together¬† on “is it this looking in her eyes?”
  • On “or is it this dancing dude?” Seth¬†danced across the front of the stage, while lifting his hat on and off.
  • Then Couple #1¬†pointed at my fianc√© and shrugged.
  • John and Mary (Couple #2) walked towards my fianc√©¬†holding hands. Mary¬†was swinging her other arm. On the word “boulevard” ¬†John¬†gave¬†Mary¬†flowers from behind his back. John¬†said “come on” and they went¬†to the side.
  • Tom and Sara (Couple #3) walked down the aisle. Tom¬†pulled out his pocket and threw cash in the air. Tom¬†and Sara¬†spun with their arms in the air. Tom¬†pretended to open a liquor bottle for shots. They high-fived and went to the side.
  • Dancing girls¬†ran through the aisle¬†jumping and clapping and shaking bells. Everyone else started snapping. Couple #1¬†returned to the front of the aisle and everyone else was behind them (except the dancing guys).
  • Everyone waved their hands up on “Say yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.” Everyone made arm circles on “We’ll go go go go.”
  • Everyone pointed at my fianc√©¬†on “if you’re ready.” Everyone pointed at themselves on “like i’m ready.”
  • Everyone pointed down on “cause it’s a beautiful day.” Then everyone started to raise their arms and spin around all at once. Then everyone pretended to look around.
  • Everyone pointed at my fianc√© on “hey baby” and knelt down on “i think i want to marry you.”
  • Everyone’s arms were straight out on “Is it that look in your eyes?”
  • Dancing guys came across the aisle.
  • Everyone shrugged on “who cares baby.”
  • Bob and Veronica (Couple #4) went into the aisle. Veronica¬†had her hands¬†behind her back. Bob¬†was begging her.¬†Bob¬†pulled out a lollipop ring on “so what you¬†want to do”. Veronica¬†took the ring. They hugged and ran out of the aisle.
  • Katie and Rebecca (Couple #5)¬†went into the aisle. ¬†Rebecca¬†was mad with her crossed arms. Katie¬†was begging. Rebecca¬†put her hand in Katie’s face on “No I won’t blame you.” Katie¬†slapped Rebecca’s hand and kissed Rebecca’s cheek. They left the aisle.
  • Couple #1¬†returned to the front of the aisle and everyone was behind them.
  • Everyone shook their finger on “No no no” then did big arm swings on “Yeah Yeah Yeah.” Everyone pointed at my fianc√© on “if you’re ready” and then pointed at themselves “like I’m ready.” ¬†Everyone slowly raised their arms and spun.¬†Everyone looked around. Everyone pointed at Matt “hey baby” and knelt on “i think I want to marry you.”
  • Everyone had their arms straight out on¬†“Is it that look in your eyes.”
  • Dancing dudes¬†came across the aisle playing with hats on “or is it this dancing dude.”
  • Everyone put their arms around¬†each other’s shoulders and swayed…on “just say I do” they started swaying their arms in the air.
  • Veronica and Martha went to the midpoint in the aisle and unrolled a “Will you marry me” banner.
  • I¬†hid on a stool behind the¬†banner.
  • Everyone started shaking their fingers in the air on “it’s a¬†beautiful night.”
  • Everyone parted to see the banner.
  • The banner was lowered to reveal me, wearing a veil.
  • The banner rolled away.
  • Rebecca¬†held up a sign that said “She said yes.”
  • Betty¬†walked my fianc√© up to me.

He knew his part. He knew what skit it was as soon as he saw the pot.  It was amazing! He said it was the best surprise ever.

I was so happy and thankful.

Favorite poem, On Children

On Children Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness; For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Why?

Why are we engaged?

People keep sharing their unsolicited opinions on why we are engaged. Some say it’s a gesture. Others suggests it’s to hold me over for our year apart.

I’m engaged because I want him as a partner for the rest of my life. I want him as my partner because I respect him, learn from him, and feel safe with him.

He gives me courage and support when I feel weak.

He makes me want to wait to raise a child together.

He makes me see our healthy life together full of possibilities and unknowns, yet one thing is certain that we will have eachother.

I admit it. I don’t want to be engaged. I want to be his life partner. I want to be married.

Elimination

When I thought about what to eliminate? I was thinking of clothes and makeup….

What I learned is that I need to eliminate toxic relationships. Toxic relationships are so hard to eliminate. You don’t love the person because they are mean and hurt you. You love them for the things that you admire and the wonderful things that they have done for you.

I decided that those good actions don’t dismiss the manipulation and mind games. I was constantly worried that I would misstep in their eyes and suffer the repercussions both professionally and personally. It was a terrible way to live and work. The environment that their behavior fostered was toxic too. I had been running from this place for years.

Finally I cut ties. I’m experiencing all the stages of grief: denial, anger, guilt, depression…. I know acceptance will come. But how do I reconcile the hurt that I caused this individual that did so much for me at times…